Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
freeze frame. read it.
as i reflect on the past year, i dont know how i’ve made it to where i am now. honestly, i would have thought i would have broken long ago. there was something keeping me going… something driving me to stay straight and keep my head up. something that honestly, i can not understand. i do understand that very something is gone. i believe it parted me in the past couple of weeks. thanksgiving was a lonely one without my dad. for once, i was out of things to be thankful for. which honestly scared me. the long weeekend was a lonely one without katie there to hang out with and without friends there to joke around with. the past month has consisted of many lonely nights talking online to only one or two individuals about nothing in particular. over the past month, i’ve watched my game servers take a big hit and the group of guys who swore brotherhood fall to pieces. over what? i think about all the things i’ve done and honestly, i’m not too overly zealous about anything i’ve acomplished lately. yes, i got into a less stressfull job that pays me quiet nicely for what it involves but it has nothing to do with where i want to go tommorow. it’s recently come into public’s eye that i have a shot at having a very good friend of mine become more than friends… and as i sit here i honestly dont know how i feel about the situation. confusing, yes i know, and you must not draw to conclusions… there are alot of deep emotions with several people’s happiness on the line and i’m not sure how to handle it all, i’m not sure i can, and so as i sit here thinking and typing as though i’m playing a classical peice on the piano, concentration falls over me and i see nothing. i feel, feel…lonely. i’m sad and and yet… happy. i’ve come along way and managed to stay on my feet thus far. i miss alot of people from my past and all of them have been on my mind lately. a few ex girlfriends, a couple ex friends, and most… just people i used to hang with. i look back and see such a variety of people who have inflounenced my life and my emotions and my knowledge- and my judgement… all of which are very cloudy as of late. and so i’m very scared to make any big moves… i’ve got lots available to me and lots planned but i’m fearful of where i will go from here. i miss alot of very good people. i miss a very good life that i had. that i threw away for what? as i sit here looking over my chat buddy lists, i see that there are a total of almost 230 friends, only about 20 of which are online, and all but 2 are away. away doing their own thing. away living thier life. carpe diem. right? or maybe they are lost and wondering where i’ve been or perhaps why i’m having problems comunicating with them. maybe they are just pondering why life is so hard… to understand.
i’ve done alot in my life and i’ve seen alot of pain and happiness, as well as felt both extremes myself. i can sit here and think of so many memories, good and bad… eye poke, bodyslam, bb gun, trash can, broken tooth, lost friends, summer time girls, love, ford 305, crash, paralized, hit and run, arguement, keys thrown, phone broken, picture broken, friends move away, friends lost in the darkness, black panther, gangs, games, medal of honor, cb radios, stolen knife, restraining order, fun times, good times, we all had great times. memories. memories that could not be captured on film. and as i sit here and think of so much, i realise how much i’ve lost, how much i’ve pushed away and forgotten about. i realise how lonely it really is when you have no direction, nothing pushing you. why must we have direction? why must we be pushed? i had a very good friend who had problem controlling his temper, he lost alot because he could not conquer his emotions. i know a guy who took his girlfriend for granted and lost her because he could not deal with what he wanted the most. guess what that was… i had a very good friend who gave up his future for a dream that never came true. can you guess who is who? at least one
is me.
i leave you to ponder as am i. i’m off to find food and see the sights and hear the sounds of life. you all should do the same.
Monday, November 29th, 2004
yea, so i know i just posted lyrics by bowling for soup but i just heard this song. great stuff… read the lyrics… they rawk.
Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before but you were there
So how was I to know
That this single bed
was always meant for two
not just anyone
it was meant for me and you
and now you’re halfway around the world
and I’m just a day behind
Nothin seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You’ll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now you’re halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind
I wake up in the night
I turn around and find that you’re not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Everyday confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I supposed to know
(lj cut tag help courtesy of , props given.)
anyways… thats all for tonight… for now anyways.
Monday, November 29th, 2004
She said she needed a break
a little time to think
but then she went to Cleveland
with some guy named Leelan
that she met at the bank
There’s nothing wrong with Ohio
except the snow and the rain
I really like Drew Carey
and I’d love to see the Rock n’ Rock Hall of Fame
So when your done doing whatever
and when your thru doing whooever
you know Denton County will be right here waiting for you….
Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
and forget all about the Lonestar State
Theres a seat for you at the rodeo
and I’ve got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sux north of here anyway
I think I made a mistake
Its not that easy to take
She went to make a deposit
then she cleaned out her closet
Guess I’ll sit here and wait
For her to come back home (I’d wish you come back home)
it shudnt take very long (so long so long)
i bet she misses the sunrise
and misses the fruit flies but i could be wrong
So when your done doing whatever
and when your thru doing whooever
you know Denton County will be right here waiting for you….
Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
I bet you missed your exit
and drove right on thru the Lone Star State
Theres a seat for you at the rodeo
and I’ve got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sux north of here anyway
Troy Aikmen wants you back
Willie Nelson wants you back
NASA wants you back
and the Bush twins want you back
and Pantera wants you back
and Blue Bell wants you back
I got a premonition
I’m taking a petition
and the whole state’s gonna sign
Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
and forget all about the Lone Star State
Theres a seat for you at the rodeo
and I’ve got every slow dance saved
Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
and forget all about the Lone Star State
Theres a seat for you at the rodeo
and I’ve got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sux north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sux north of here anyway
Besides the Mexican food sux north of here anyway
Monday, November 29th, 2004
what an interesting weekend.
i’m to a breaking point now. so much stuff i’m so tired of dealing with yet so much new stuff that needs to be tended to so it does not become like the old stuff. friday, i think it was, i brought the game servers back online. it last maybe an hour and everyone was done with it so i think i’ll take it down and do what i want with it. other than having katie tell me she never wants to talk to me again to turning around and asking if i’m mad at her, saturday my family went up to rocky ridge and played in the mud, and rue damn near spending all night at my house the other day, it’s been a pretty straight foward weekend.
i believe i had decided on buying a trail bike over a 4-wheeler. i’m going to price them this week. hopefully i’ll have time to get the paperwork done on my truck and then pick up the bike in the next couple weeks. o yea…got other stuff to do too. :( ok… so i’ll keep ya’ll updated on this. ;)
i cant remember if i’ve stated this before or not. i’m officially a euless resident now. ftworth zip code but euless address because you must come off trinity to get here. personally, i’d say it was arlington or hurst but who’s really drawing lines here?
Friday, November 26th, 2004
I try not to think about
What might have been
‘Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can’t go back again
There’s no use giving in
And there’s no way to know
What might have been
