Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
purple elephants with green trunks…
freeze frame. read it.
as i reflect on the past year, i dont know how i’ve made it to where i am now. honestly, i would have thought i would have broken long ago. there was something keeping me going… something driving me to stay straight and keep my head up. something that honestly, i can not understand. i do understand that very something is gone. i believe it parted me in the past couple of weeks. thanksgiving was a lonely one without my dad. for once, i was out of things to be thankful for. which honestly scared me. the long weeekend was a lonely one without katie there to hang out with and without friends there to joke around with. the past month has consisted of many lonely nights talking online to only one or two individuals about nothing in particular. over the past month, i’ve watched my game servers take a big hit and the group of guys who swore brotherhood fall to pieces. over what? i think about all the things i’ve done and honestly, i’m not too overly zealous about anything i’ve acomplished lately. yes, i got into a less stressfull job that pays me quiet nicely for what it involves but it has nothing to do with where i want to go tommorow. it’s recently come into public’s eye that i have a shot at having a very good friend of mine become more than friends… and as i sit here i honestly dont know how i feel about the situation. confusing, yes i know, and you must not draw to conclusions… there are alot of deep emotions with several people’s happiness on the line and i’m not sure how to handle it all, i’m not sure i can, and so as i sit here thinking and typing as though i’m playing a classical peice on the piano, concentration falls over me and i see nothing. i feel, feel…lonely. i’m sad and and yet… happy. i’ve come along way and managed to stay on my feet thus far. i miss alot of people from my past and all of them have been on my mind lately. a few ex girlfriends, a couple ex friends, and most… just people i used to hang with. i look back and see such a variety of people who have inflounenced my life and my emotions and my knowledge- and my judgement… all of which are very cloudy as of late. and so i’m very scared to make any big moves… i’ve got lots available to me and lots planned but i’m fearful of where i will go from here. i miss alot of very good people. i miss a very good life that i had. that i threw away for what? as i sit here looking over my chat buddy lists, i see that there are a total of almost 230 friends, only about 20 of which are online, and all but 2 are away. away doing their own thing. away living thier life. carpe diem. right? or maybe they are lost and wondering where i’ve been or perhaps why i’m having problems comunicating with them. maybe they are just pondering why life is so hard… to understand.
i’ve done alot in my life and i’ve seen alot of pain and happiness, as well as felt both extremes myself. i can sit here and think of so many memories, good and bad… eye poke, bodyslam, bb gun, trash can, broken tooth, lost friends, summer time girls, love, ford 305, crash, paralized, hit and run, arguement, keys thrown, phone broken, picture broken, friends move away, friends lost in the darkness, black panther, gangs, games, medal of honor, cb radios, stolen knife, restraining order, fun times, good times, we all had great times. memories. memories that could not be captured on film. and as i sit here and think of so much, i realise how much i’ve lost, how much i’ve pushed away and forgotten about. i realise how lonely it really is when you have no direction, nothing pushing you. why must we have direction? why must we be pushed? i had a very good friend who had problem controlling his temper, he lost alot because he could not conquer his emotions. i know a guy who took his girlfriend for granted and lost her because he could not deal with what he wanted the most. guess what that was… i had a very good friend who gave up his future for a dream that never came true. can you guess who is who? at least one
is me.
i leave you to ponder as am i. i’m off to find food and see the sights and hear the sounds of life. you all should do the same.
